Worth Living For
by PastellRain
Summary: Neru is feeling like her life right now isn't worth living for. Haku x Neru, hurt-comfort / vent fic, ends on a positive note. TW: Suicide themes.
**Trigger warnings:** Suicidal character, heavy emotional theme, mental illness talk

 **Note:** So I wrote this when I was depressed last month. It comes and goes. It was really bad the beginning of last month. I didn't really post this here because I thought this fic was laughably bad. But I finally did. This was really sort of a vent fic. **I'm not suicidal so please, do not worry about me.** Honestly, one of the best feelings is recovering. It's a wonderful miraculous sort of feeling.

* * *

Has the pain ever felt like too much to take? For Neru, it felt like her world was polluted. There was no beauty, all the memories were worthless. Plus, what was the point? All the memories were in the past. They did nothing but bring her painful nostalgia. Ever since her heart was sick, nothing was ever enough. It was the kind of numb where she couldn't cry but really wanted to, just so she could feel something, anything.

"If I told Haku though... I don't know... I don't want to tell her and make her worry. I'd sound so needy too. Even if I did tell her, would it even help? I can't even feel our love anymore, even when she's right next to me. Not like old times at least. I just wouldn't be able to bear telling her that..."

* * *

"This bathtub is huge..." Haku stared in awe. The tub was so huge, it was its own room, with descending stairs and all.

"Um... yeah. It's like a swimming pool." Neru said, faking a casual tone. "Though it isn't filled up yet."

Due to a lucky chance, the two had won a vacation to an island in the Pacific. They had a first-class flight, first-class room, and first-class resort, all part of the package. It couldn't have been better. It really couldn't have. But even that amazing luck didn't help Neru feel any better. And if this couldn't help her, that what would? Was it time to just give up ever feeling better?

"In fact, it's really big enough to fit the two of us..." Haku said.

"H-Haku!" Neru exclaimed, blushing and appearing to shrink smaller.

"I mean... I also was going to say... maybe three people."

"Oh, you, me, and who else?" Neru asked aggressively, somewhat jokingly, still trying to hide that she was fed up to the brim. Not by Haku, but by things she couldn't see.

"Oh, I didn't mean it like that!" Haku covered her face.

"Well, it's not like I really want to bathe with you anyway..." Neru said. Why was she suddenly crying?

"Where did you even get that idea from?" Haku asked.

"You said it could fit the two of us." Neru said. She hid the fact she was crying very well.

"Well, why don't you go first, Neru?" Haku asked. "I can wait."

Neru sighed, said "okay", stepped inside and shut the heavy door. She didn't just shut the bath door, but also the door to her true feelings. Finally, at least she was alone. But being alone was also so painful that she couldn't take it. She didn't know what to do.

The depressive mood from being alone suddenly hit her like a bullet train, going at full speed. She immediately began to sink into the whirlpool again.

"Haku..." She sighed, beginning to shake.

It hit her, how much she really needed Haku right by her side at all times. Lately, it had felt like Haku wasn't even there when she was. Neru denied that it was because she wasn't talking to Hwku about her feelings.

"I feel so lonely... but why? I spent the entire day with Haku, didn't I? But she feels so far away always, even when I'm right next to her... why? Maybe it's me... because I'm trapped behind this wall of depression. I can't even feel her love anymore, because it's so far away from where I'm trapped. I'm hopeless... so hopeless."

* * *

Haku always knew Neru suffered. She was practically always trapped within a dark room, no matter how bright and therapeutic her surroundings were, desperately trying to break out. Neru always explained to Haku that she lost herself a long, long time ago, to a sickness of the mind she couldn't control. Haku knew this wasn't true. She could see the true, bright person Neru was underneath it all. She wasn't lost. She was only on the other side of the dark tunnel, glowing faintly, but clearly enough for Haku to know everything about the part of her she claimed she lost. Neru was still there. When she smiled, Haku could feel the woman she loved telling her "I'm right here."

But lately... it had been harder to catch Neru smile.

"I know she's doing her best to deal with me, and that's why... Haku deserves better than me."

Haku sat on the porch of the hotel, watching the hard tropical rain plummet down and soak the green earth.

"Neru..." Haku couldn't help but feel worried about her. She remembered Neru looking as if she were fighting back tears back when it began to rain, the moment when they had to go back on the bus and end their day at the beach. Even when they were going back to the room together and opening the door to the bath.

"She needs me though... but why? Why me?" Haku asked herself. "Compared to Neru, I'm nothing. I'm cowardly, weak, dull, and useless..."

Useless. There was that word again. Haku felt tears pool in her eyes and she quickly wiped them away.

Neru used to be the one to comfort Haku. Haku always felt lowly of herself, but who was the one who always told her otherwise? Neru. Who was the one who fought by Haku's side? It was Neru...

"Useless... but if I matter to Neru, then..." Haku thought, "That's enough... to make me worth something."

And now if Neru needed her, Haku more than promised she would be there no matter what.

She rushed inside the darkened room and knocked on the faintly lit bath door.

"Neru?" She asked. She was much too worried to let things slide. She pleaded that she was okay in there. If she wasn't, she would let Neru tell her anything, anything she could do to make it better.

She cared about her too much.

"Haku, I'm sorry..." Came a quiet reply. Haku's heart sank. It was clear Neru was crying. Her words, on top of it, sounded desperate and not even clear. "I'm sorry... I'm hopeless. This is... This is what I've become... I'm a mess. I'm no longer the same person you fell in love with... that was a long time ago. I'm trying to stay happy and positive for you, but... it's only an act... and it's becoming so difficult..."

Neru's sobs grew heartbreakingly indecipherable. It didn't even sound like Neru anymore.

"Please just help me. Help..." Neru spoke unevenly, in complete desperation.

Neru's breaths shook violently and she said something that made Haku's heart stop cold.

"I need help... When I get really bad like this, I-I think about ending my life. I'm practically dying already... B-but the only one who can help me is you. I... I love you... too much, and... that's most of why I haven't done it-"

"Neru!" Haku shouted her name and collapsed right there at the door in shock and tears. Her hands were shaking. It became hard to breathe. She couldn't believe what she had heard. It was the last thing she had ever wanted to hear, ever.

"Please don't... I'm so sorry." Haku shrieked. "Neru, I love you..." Haku cried loudly. "Please, don't hurt yourself... don't do this, don't end your life!"

"I-I'm not going to." Neru said, to reassure her. "I'm sorry I said that. No matter what... I'm not going to give in. Except it's just been on my mind lately and I don't know what to do... I'm hopeless. I'm so sorry to make you worry, I'm not going to kill myself. I'm scared to. But it hurts so much, that sometimes... I can't take it..."

"Neru, listen to me..." Haku stood up weakly and spoke through her tears. "You are a wonderful person. I love you... more than you can imagine, and... things will be better. I know it hurts, but things will be better one day, I promise. There's so much to live for and... underneath all the pain, there surely must be something that makes you happy or hopeful. I promise we'll get through it together... Please..."

Haku began to sob violently at the thought of her friend dying, not only literally, but how she had been figuratively dying inside all this time. It was a heartbreaking thought to fathom. The thought of Neru's very will to live slipping away because she doesn't feel anything in life is worth it. That the only way to find relief from this continuous pain was just to end it all...

"I'm sorry... Please..." Haku shrieked in wretched sobs. "I need you... You're the best friend I've ever had and I'd... be nothing without you... I don't know what I'd be doing if I had never met you. You are everything to me. Please... I'll do anything to help..."

There was a long, painful pause. Haku covered her hand with her face and tried to silence her weeps. She couldn't imagine just what Neru was feeling. For Haku to hurt this much... and Neru to feel even worse. She couldn't even fathom what things Neru had to have been feeling and that alone tore her heart to pieces.

"Haku... I... believe you." In relief, Neru's voice finally came, breathy, shaky, not quite sounding like herself. Yet she sounded clearer, as if she had been taking deep breaths. As if she was smiling again, at least just the tiniest, slightest bit. It reassured Haku enough to start taking deep breaths of her own.

"Thank you for all of those hopeful things you said... Letting out my feelings helped." Neru said. "It's been incredibly difficult though... because nothing feels okay when you're this sick, the way I am. It's hard to feel anything positive anymore. I need you... more than ever. I-it isn't your fault. You treat me great already. It's me."

"It's not your fault!" Haku said. "It's nobody's. So... just tell me. How can I help?"

"It would take a miracle honestly." Neru said. "But... please remember, I treasure every bit of time I spend with you, even when I'm in a depressive mood where nothing seems to matter... So please... just keep staying by my side. Eventually things will be fine if you keep doing so. Also... thank you, Haku. I love... you."

Finally, Haku opened the door and stepped in, wiping her eyes, feeling her weeping heart fill up again with mixed emotions once she saw Neru's face, half-crying, but instead of looking dejected, she looked hopeful. Haku had forgotten all about manners, asking Neru if she could come in. She was in a daze and totally forgot Neru had no clothes on, yet it didn't matter.

Neru didn't even seem to mind. When she saw Haku's face, it was like a miracle in itself. Emotions rushed directly to her heart and she felt a mixture of so many wonderful, painful, sorrowful, indescribable things. She couldn't stand to see Haku cry like this, especially not for her. She loved Haku too much. She felt so terrible for having to make her worry.

"You know...? I... I just want us to be... together forever." Neru said again, trying to smile, violently choking back another round of tears. Feeling Haku's loving presence at this time was something she didn't know she needed. "That's why... I'm not going to end my life. I'll end up thinking about all the times we've had together..."

Neru began to sob again, because of everything she was feeling. She was letting it out. All of the heaviness, All the grief, all the pain, and all the love she felt for Haku. She, who couldn't feel anything for months, finally could feel it all pouring out. It was amazing what letting out your feelings could do. It was amazing what happened when Haku was there for her.

"I wouldn't be able to do it..."

A pair of arms wrapped around Neru. They were Haku's. She was telling Neru something. Something she couldn't put into words. "I am there for you." Neru felt it clearly from the gentle strength of the arms. It was the kindest gesture she experienced in a while.

"It's okay to cry." Haku whispered. "Let it all out... I'm here now and forever. We'll put this in the past. We'll work on climbing back up together. We won't do it alone... We have each other."

Haku gave a teary smile, wiped her eyes and sniffled.

"I'm so glad to have someone like you." Neru took in a deep breath.

"I feel the same way..." Haku stroked Neru's back lovingly.

"Let's do all the things that make you happy." Haku said. "Our memories, we can talk about them."

"Yeah... remember back in high school when we first met?" Neru smiled wistfully. "Back then, everything was okay. I miss those days... they were so fun. Memories like those fill me with hope..."

"I'm sure days just like that... or even better days... will come to us eventually." Haku kissed Neru on the cheek. "Never give up hope, please..."

"Thank you. I believe you." Neru said to Haku, hugging her.

"Remember all those funny memories we had together, staying up at night, telling stories, and cuddling up together after eating that great dinner..."

"Yeah..." Neru smiled. Haku could swear that in this moment, she was glowing.

It was back. The smile came back. It was different from before. Neru was smiling a small but genuine smile. Tears were in her eyes, her face was red and puffy, but it was like another miracle.

The heavy rainfall of her that Neru felt would never end was now becoming a faint little rainbow... The clouds had began to part.

"Neru... you're smiling." Bittersweet emotions bubbled up from inside Haku.

"Yeah." Neru let out a hopeful little giggle. "It felt relieving to let it all out. I might not be fine instantly, but... it's this strange yet amazing feeling. I feel... I feel like the worst is over right now."

"So that helped, really? Y-you're... okay?" Haku felt an overwhelming sensation of relief and compassion.

"For now I'm not in a depressive mood." Neru said. "It's very hard to control. But now instead of keeping things in, I'll talk to you. It really helps."

"Hey, Neru?" Haku suggested.

"Yes?"

"This bath is big enough to dance in. Shall we?" Haku stuck out her arm with a gesture that was so... straightforward and inviting.

"With no clothes on?" Neru blushed, but with a coy smile. "How embarrassing..."

"Come on... it isn't strange. We're in love after all." Haku said.

"Pff... I guess not." Neru smiled sheepishly. "We're naked, big deal! I was BORN naked."

"Oh Neru..." Haku ruffled her hair. "There's that precious sense of humor. You aren't gone, Neru. You're right here. I know it."

They burst into genuine laughter. They were half-crying, still, and half-laughing, yet this became yet another magical moment. The kind of moments Neru lived for. The kind of happiness she needed to feel again.

* * *

"Haku, I'm still sorry for today." Neru sighed, once it was time to go to bed. "I really scared you... by saying those horrible things. Let's just enjoy this vacation now."

Neru was snuggled unusually close to Haku. In a way, they felt closer than ever before.

"No... I'm glad you told me everything." Haku said. "You shouldn't have to suffer in silence. And... I'm glad you told me about your depressive moods because now I feel I understand you better. I'll support you through them so they won't be as bad, okay? You can tell me anything. Hang in there."

"Thank you..." Neru sighed in comfort, snuggling even closer to Haku. "Um... Haku?"

Neru gave Haku the bright, warm look. An inviting, alluring smile. The old Neru was back. Haku's heart fluttered. It was such a bittersweet sensation.

Haku leaned in for a kiss, and Neru sweetly and softly returned the kiss to her lip. They closed their eyes and took it all in. Hundreds of unspoken "I love you"s. Another magical moment.

"I love you. Let's make this a great vacation." Neru said, determined to regain her old spirits. "I'll keep hanging in there!"

They kissed again, even more passionately this time, rolling over and holding each other tight.

"Neru, you're so strong, you're a fighter and I know you can beat this. I'll always be willing to help you." Haku wrapped her arms around the shorter woman and gazed into her expressive eyes.

"Haku... you know," Neru spoke up, "Why do you think you're useless? If it weren't for you, well... gee... I don't know. I don't know what things would've been like for me. You impacted my life so much. You're the absolute best, you know?"

Haku blushed sweetly and gave Neru a nose kiss.

"You're a sweetheart. Thank you so much for saying that... I can say the same for you. You've inspired me in so, so many ways. I will always love you. Thank you, Neru."

Neru curled up with a smile.

"Haku... Thank you. Out of all the miracles that have happened to me... the biggest one was being able to meet you. Everything you've done for me... I'll treasure."

They spent the rest of the night gently in each others' loving embraces, falling into a deep peaceful sleep. In this moment, nothing else mattered. They both felt they were right where they belonged, with each other.

The little moments like these were what Neru treasured most. In the span of a day, Neru had went from feeling hopeless to beginning to feel touches of love and wonder once again. It was like becoming alive again for the first time. It was all thanks to being able to tell her feelings to Haku.

Perhaps with each other, together, just the two of them, Haku and Neru will discover a new path that leads upwards.

Every small gesture they share together, every magical moment... is one step on the wonderful road to recovery... a hand to pull them upwards... and another knot to bring their relationship closer and strengthen it.

The worst was over. Neru was on the road to recovery, with a caring, understanding Haku by her side. A bright and beautiful path of old hope and more and more wonderful feelings to be felt each day.

Perhaps the greatest days of Neru's life still hadn't come yet. And perhaps when they do arrive, they will continue on forever.

* * *

 **Note:** What is with me and bathtubs? Nobody knows. I guess it's because it just feels so intimate, so relaxing and serene... If I could list the most magical places in my house, it would be my room and the jacuzzi. Really. So now that I've written very emotional moments of Neru and Haku, lighthearted stuff might surely come next! Maybe of both their high school days and their future from now. I'd say they're 20 years old in this story. This takes place in the same universe as "More Like You", and it's upcoming sequels, which is a direct AU to Whimsica. (This is an AU where Whimsica never existed and Haku and a Neru end up having a normal school life instead of a magical Whimsica one.)

Depression is caused by an imbalance of chemicals in the brain, so even if Neru did have a great high school life with Haku, it is possible for her to suddenly become severely depressed. It is sad. :(

And to everyone struggling with depression right now: I promise you better days will come. Even though it might be hard to feel hope, remember all the wonderful times you have felt hope and wonderful feelings. You'll get through it. I promise.

I have so many things to write and do, it's seriously overwhelming! For all the stuff I want to do, my productivity is seriously low. I should get determined to get them all done! I have tons of projects, a lot of fun too! Now if only I had motivation...


End file.
